Hello, Ladies 

     I have to tell you I’ve dropped 160 pounds and I feel pretty good. It did take time and I really had to think about it but I had to do what made me happy instead of what was ‘convenient’. Actually I broke up with Ike, It was a hard decision but I realized it was what I really needed above anything. We did have a few good weeks, but towards the end we realized we had less in common and a lot of really important things not in common. We also didn’t spend much time together, I went back home, then he went home and It was hard. 

     The major things I noticed that were a problem was he wasn’t affectionate. He didn’t really kiss me unless he was drunk or wanted sex, we hugged but he wasn’t cuddly or touchy and I want that. I wanted him to show how much he cares about me and how much he needs me. I noticed this crystal clear while we were having sex, it wasn’t about me at all but him and if he got off, not about pleasing me or making me happy. Then afterwards he would check his phone for twenty minutes, which was like a slap in the face. I wanted him to hug me, kiss me, make me enjoy sex instead of it just being when he wanted sex. That really got me upset was when I realized that he didn’t put in effort to make me happy and he was so disconnected from our ‘special’ time.

     Another thing I realized was his deep love for his car. He always talked about how much money and improvements he’s putting on his car. Don’t get me wrong, I do love cars and a man with a nice car is great but don’t brag about it or tell me how much parts are or how much you want to put in it. He was spending more money on his car then me, he thought more about his car then me; he told me that he would be upset if we broke up but it would mean he’d get to put more money in his car. I was also upset when I figured this out. I have to be number one in his book... if there is something that’s number one like his daughter or having a son. I’d be fine with being number two, except his car was two and I was three. 

        We also had a major difference with our political views and racial views, we didn’t agree on anything really and he couldn’t think outside of the box like I do which was frustrating. It was his way or the highway, I felt like what I believed he wouldn’t take seriously or even consider. 

     The only reason I stayed with him was because  I liked the security, I liked having a boyfriend and I felt that we really did have something nice in the beginning but towards the end he didn’t seem excited to see me, he didn’t kiss me hello and if he did it was very tight lipped. We also didn’t hold hands, he didn’t rub my back or do anything cute. 

      I stayed with him for longer then I needed to because of two reasons. The first was because mid July and Aug I wasn’t with him because I went back home, then he went home like a week after I got back. I didn’t want to break up with him over the phone because that’s kind of tacky, I would rather do it in person. The second reason was because I knew in my head that I had to break up with him and I wasn’t happy; I just needed my heart to be fully in it also. Deep down I know I needed to do it but I wasn’t ready and I had to be to be able to move on. My parents didn’t think he was good for me, my best friend didn’t like him and my grandfather didn’t like the way he talked to me. When all those factors are telling you no then sometimes you probably have to listen to them. I didn’t want to at first but I did and in the end I’m a much better person. My girlfriend who’s helped me through the years after I told her all of this she said that I’m “You're Exhibit A of a girl who doesn't let a break-up break her down.” Which I thought It would, I’ve never been in a relationship before so I thought when I broke up with someone I’d be devastated. But I wasn’t and through listening to powerful female singers, Pink, Katy Perry, Girls Aloud and Cheryl Cole I’ve grown more powerful each day.

      The thing that bothers me is that I don’t know if a guy is telling me things because he likes me or if he’s trying to get into my pants.  I like this new guy and he’s definitely interested in me but some part of me still thinks he might be just interested in my for my body and sex. Which I don’t want,  I think I found that out with Ike because he seemed to just want sex. It was all about him and having sex when he wanted it. I know I have to work on that issue but I think If I meet a guy who’s willing to show me that he’s worth it and that he likes me for me then I'll let my guard down......

     

        Well now I know that it’s not all about sex... it’s about being with someone who makes you happy and makes you laugh and makes you feel 100% comfortable with who you are. It’s a couple dates and a few ‘hang outs’ later with this new man and we had sex, it was not planned but felt amazing. It was great, what is really amazing is that we don’t have to have sex to be together, like I thought. We’ve hung out a couple times since then and we plan on more and it’s really sweet. We’re fine with making out and hugging and yes I do want to have sex with him more and a little slower but its not really about that. 

     He’s shown me ever since the very beginning that he’s a great match for me. He texts me all the time, makes me smile at ALL the texts, we’ve hung out as much as we can in the past three weeks and it just feels right. He’ll stop by during work, we’ve already made each other dinner, we went to a movie, we went paddle boating, it’s just very sweet. Something I’m not used to but it’s what I want, deserve and need. He takes the time out to spend it with me, and that really shows me how much he cares. I like that he calls me gorgeous, babe, sexy, tells me he wants to kiss me and hug me. It’s not sexual really but we’re just getting to know each other. I really am so amazed each time we hang out because I don’t want him to leave and I am so happy that we’re together. It feels right and it feels good. He’s a man where Ike was a boy, and there is such a difference. The only times I’ve thought of Ike is to compare him to how great this new man is and it’s rather funny.

     I can’t believe how this happened because this new man was very unexpected. I’ve known him for a while but we just never talked that much or seen each other but after I broke up with Ike we just started talking and we exchanged numbers and talked all week. It’s like when people tell you it comes out of nowhere, that actually happened to me and it’s perfect. Usually i’m afraid or I doubt myself whether he doesn’t like me or something he does but I don’t have that. It’s a totally other feeling I get with him and I’m just going with it and letting my feelings lead the way rather than my rational brain. It’s simply amazing. Not to mention my best friend in the whole wide world approves and is sooooo happy for me!! 

High School

 High School, We've all been there, will be going there or are still attending. High School is full of dances, parties, friends, sports, clubs, drama, love and the struggles of every day life. 
    High School for me was fun at first 9th grade was a blast until one of  my best friends left to go to Florida, but we still wrote letters all the time until a couple of years ago. I didn't feel the pressure of being in a new school and thought I was cool because my sister was only 2 grades above me. As I got into 10th and 11th grade things changed and I felt trapped and was falling for boys for all the wrong reasons. I always cared about how I looked in High School, looking cute with my matching outfits and I was always that perfect student who worked hard in school. Though I was never in honors I always had a great relationship with my teachers who were more like mentors.  Through them I was able to open up and express myself in a way I couldn't with my classmates. They were all positive female role models I'm very happy to have had in my life at that time. 
    In 10th grade I fell for this boy Micky who was a surfer, totally cute and or course a big jerk who didn't pay any mind to me. But I thought he liked me and would give him my best 'come hither' look but it never worked. I actually don't think he really dated anyone in High School, at least nothing serious just some hook-ups. I joined some clubs and kept the same friends I had in Elementary school who were all quite boring and I didn't go to my first H.S. party til 11th grade. I always wanted my H.S life to be glamorous, like when Lola did in Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen by:Dylan Sheldon always exaggerating and trying to make her life seem more interesting. <Read the book, it's way better, I did in H.S. because the movie was coming out> I never quite felt cool enough though, pretty enough. I'm short with small boobs, glasses and I felt nerdy and I remember wishing that Micky would get a clue and like me, I felt like we were so close yet so far away. 
     Well In 11th grade things got a little better but still awkward, I now fell head over heels in love with  Lee, Micky's best friend and another surfer. I obviously was in the mood for tall blonde brooding types. Well I had a class with Lee and we didn't really talk except sometimes in passing but I started going up to him at his locker between classes and talk to him. Which was a big deal for me because I was super shy back then. We were cool for a few weeks and I thought he could like me because he would look at me a lot in class and in the hallways. One day during my gym class this other jerk kid Adam asked if I liked Lee, I said something stupid and trying to be coy with a little smile said yes. Well he blabbed it in front of the gym class, then ran and told Lee; who then decided to completely ignore me. It was horribly embarrassing and on top of that he started dating this blond haired big boobed slut named Christy. By this time my sister was in her first year of college and I only had my semi- close friends and my one closer best friend. But to get over this I joined my schools Bowling team and met lots of cute boys, most of them jerks and made new friends who were cooler than my original ones. I got over Lee but it took me until the next year to fully realize what I jerk he was.
        Senior Year was great because I didn't give a shit about anything. I didn't care about my friends, didn't care about how I looked because I finally got into my own skin as much as someone can in H.S and I felt so Independent.  I was able to go out for lunch so I went out with my new Bowling friends, I excelled in my classes and getting ready for college was exciting and scary at the same time. I became friends with new girls in my classes not like my boring friends since Elementary school, I also stopped talking to those Elementary school friends because I realized I didn't like them and I cut them from my life. <What I was talking about in my last post>  They didn't do anything for me and I realized I could stop faking being nice to them and just do my own thing. I became more independent, going to movies by myself, going on walks alone and to the mall, which is amazing. But I was becoming my own person and it was great, except Prom was coming up.  Lee was totally out of the picture, after taking a break from Christy they both ended up cheating on the other with some other hot person at our school and I didn't want to get with that after. One of my teachers was trying to hook me up with some other guy John but he ended up 'dumping' me for some other girl who I didn't care for. So I thought screw it, I'll go to Prom alone and have a great time. I was also having drama with my old friends with Limo's and ended up in a limo with two couples I haven't talked to in years and 2 more single girl friends that I'd known since Elementary School. 
   As soon as I got to Prom, in my beautiful Prom dress by the way, I talked with a few friends, took pictures but as soon as the music started, girls, I never left the dance floor, I also didn't dance with anyone and It was alright. I think when the slow songs came on I went to the bathroom. It was great seeing all my friends and just having a great time enjoying the last few days of High School. After Prom was another story, we went to a comedy club in the city and it was a bust, the comedians talked all about Prom, and other not funny jokes. We stayed up all night and then I went home and slept for the next few days. 
     After High School ended and I went to Community College and now to my University, I don't talk to anyone from school, except maybe like two/ three close people. I'm friends with a lot of people on Facebook but it's not like we're best friends. This past Semester I read this book Elizabeth and Hazel: Two Women of Little Rock by David Margolick; if you get a chance pick up this amazing and shocking biography about the two women in Little Rock during the 1957 Intergration, Hazel is the tormentor and Elizabeth is the victim. Through their lives both women deal with the repercussions of what happened that day. Elizabeth isn't able to get out of that rut and depression that happened to her in High School while Hazel tries numerous times to make amends and get past High School. I realized now, after 6 years out of High School that it isn't everything. Who you are in H.S. isn't who you'll always be, it doesn't make you who you are forever. Yes you do go through it during the most awkward and hard times of you're young adult life but that doesn't mean  if you're a nerd, that you'll always be one. Or like me you can embrace you're dorkyness and find people who are just as  crazy and weird as you are! Elizabeth couldn't find a way to change so she was always stuck in the past, Hazel tried to shed her prejudiced views and she changed drastically since she graduated. 
     I've seen this so many times on Facebook, how much people change, some for the better others not so much. Some have kids and get married, some are firefighters in their small hometown, others join the military. We go to school all over and others stay at home still partying like it's still High School. I know I've changed SO MUCH since H.S and I'm glad I have because I am a better person and I know what I stand for. 
    I was bullied in H.S. and Middle School and parts of Elementary School because of the way I looked, my eyes were so big like a bug, I couldn't say R's and I had glasses. I got sick in 3rd grade causing me to be out of school for six months which made me feel like an outsider when I got back. As I got older I didn't like when boys would mess with me so I would kick them to get them to stop, I was kinda violent back then. Then as I got older the boys would pick on me because of my booty, saying it's so big, throwing pieces of paper at me, almost making me cry but I never did. I now realize that I have a great body, though I'm small I am in proportion with my body. I hated H.S just like everyone else, some days I wanted to shave my head and just screw it or stay home and not do anything on the weekends but  just because people are bullying you  it's not how it's always going to be. Life is so much bigger and better than that. One kid who I knew in H.S who was picked on because of the way he looked actually graduated and moved to Washington State. Becoming a Hippy and getting married having a baby, which is great because he became who he's meant to be and he's happy. I admire that in him and in the end that's what you're probably suppose to do. Is find the good in things and people, find the good in yourself and try to encourage the people around you to embrace what makes them who they are also.
    Even though I don't have a lot of close friends like some girls did in H.S or have an amazing boyfriend like I wanted I had the best experience I could with what was given to me. I had great encouraging teachers, a few great friends that made going to lunch a SWAT Team challenge and the support of my Bowling team and the new girls in my classes that made it great. 
   I want you ALL to really listen to this because you might be bullied and hate High School but you have to realize what happens in H.S. isn't going to be who you are for the rest of your life. H.S. isn't everything and  I want you all to stay positive and above all LOVE YOURSELF! Be who you're meant to be and don't let others get you down because they don't understand you, they never will so screw them and do you.


Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway. You’ll be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.
– Eleanor Roosevelt

LOVE, Virgin Supergirl <3

At Last....

    So Since my last blog 2 months ago, things have changed drastically for me and in the best way ever! Through the guidance of one of my Professors he helped me realize how amazing, gifted and how much I have inside of me to give to people. He encouraged me to keep doing what I love like writing, creating new ideas, changing the world and just be the unique person I am. It was the best feeling being able to talk to him and tell him exactly what is on my mind about certain topics, we have a lot of similar views also. I also had a great semester at school and I realized how much I can change things because I have the ideas to do that and having some support only pushes me further.
     With this realization or Epiphany I've embraced my quirky, silly, nerdy self  and decided to cut the boys in my life who weren't giving me what I needed. I had been talking to this one kid and I was nice to him and than he was all about me. I wasn't feeling it after a while because school was so busy and he was mad I wasn't talking to him all the time. Than during the Easter Holiday he got mad again that I wouldn't talk to him because I was spending time with my family. After a few weeks of not talking than him accusing me of things and pressuring me to set up a time to hang out, which I also didn't have I told him this isn't working out; for the second time. I didn't need to deal with this kid who was making me feel bad, texting me all the time when I really had no feelings for him and him being a punk. I cut some other boys out who were just bad energy and  I didn't need that to move forward in my life in a positive way.  So erase them from your phone and Facebook because you don't need them.
   :: Sometimes I feel bad for brutally cutting people out of my life, because I'm such a nice person. In the end it's what is best for me and I realize that these boys aren't doing anything for me, or I'm just not attracted to them as I thought. So if you have any of these boys who are just stringing you along, making you feel bad or not giving you what you want from a relationship ex/ they don't want anything serious, drop them. You will find other men who want you for you!!::
    So after I did that, I was free and loving life, not really knowing where the next road would take me except one night I went out and I met a man, Ike. I noticed him across the floor of the bar/club, but I didn't know he was checking me out also! I went outside with my girlfriends and he came out also with his buddy and we just started talking. We automatically had a few things in common and he's from California which I love because It's such a cool place. The fact that he's not from where I'm going to school now, south of the Mason Dixon line was a turn on also. We then ended up going to another club and dancing the rest of the night until I had to go. We of course exchanged numbers and we hung out the rest of the weekend, meeting up the next night to go dancing than an impromptu dinner and dessert Sunday. The funny thing that happened on Sunday was that he kissed me while we're walking around and he had happened to have had Peanuts earlier in the day; and I'm allergic. So thankfully I only had a mild reaction but he took me to the hospital with his buddy who drove us. Ike came with me and was very supportive and understanding and deeply sorry. While we were waiting for the Doctors to give me some medicine he asked me if "I wanted to go steady."  Literally that's what he said and I melted and wanted to kiss him right their but I couldn't so I said yes and we smiled and hugged and than the Doctor came in and told me I was fine to leave.  I was really happy, his friend waited for us the whole time and they drove me back to my apartment. Ike kissed me on the forehead and we hugged and set up a date for the next Friday. Well as it turns out the next day he sent me flowers, we texted the whole week and when he came on Friday bought me another arrangement of flowers. He also rented a car to come see me because he's getting his car shipped from California; when a guy does this he's pretty crazy about you! 
       The best thing about this is that I'm not worried about ANYTHING, I don't have doubt, I'm not worried it won't work out, he's not bothering me by texting and we talk every night and text all day, or when he's free. Sometimes the conversation was slow at first but now we're getting to know each other and we have a lot of things in common but on different levels, like our different levels of being nerds. But we also have some things we don't agree on; our political view points, his parents are divorced and mine are still happily married but that's not breaking points for me. 
      Our date on Friday was great and I made it how I've wanted to go on a date like, I told him to take me to a really nice restaurant and we had wine and were all classy because I deserve it! I wanted to make it special because I really like this man and when I do I want it to be like the movies. We then went for a walk around town and it was a really nice night, when It got a little too cool we went back to his car and back to my apartment. We watched  a movie and we ended up having a great night  together. It made me realize that having sex with that other guy didn't even really effect me and I did meet a guy who was so much better than he ever was. It made me happy to not have that pressure or stress because with Ike it felt more meaningful and right. 
     I had to spend the next two weeks back home and so Ike and I got to know each other and that's when we talked on the phone and Skype and I realized that he's genuine and really wants to go out with me. I'm so happy and it's been going on 3 long weeks of not seeing him but I'll see him this weekend which will be long because of the holiday, and I'm looking forward to seeing him again. I know this is good because it feels right and I'm not worried about where it will go. We're planning on going on some weekend trips together and I feel like that's a big thing, I don't want to rush it either and loose myself because of the relationship, but that's a whole other topic. I feel like he's really committed to this relationship and I'm just going along for the ride but I do really like him and since I've never been in a relationship it's all so new to me. When I can't talk to him because one of our phones die or he's busy with work ,I'm upset and I miss him. I feel like we're a good couple because we get each other and we're corny and cheesy together, yes he does have more experience than me and say's 'I'm a goody too shoes' because I am, it's not a bad thing. It's just how we grew up and  it makes us who we are. The fact that he texts me every morning saying 'Good morning beautiful' and tell me I'm amazing all the time; I realize that this is what I've been waiting for. 24 Years later I have a boyfriend and I can't believe it,  it feels simply amazing and I know we'll have fun together.
      I feel incredibly thankful that all these things in my life have  finally  fallen into place and I am in a good place in my life to let another into it and not worry about anything. I'm happy in my skin and I needed to realize that first before I met Ike and I totally believe in fate/ destiny and I think this is one of those instances. I'll keep you posted on what happens but I want you ladies to know that if you feel like it's NEVER going to happen you have  to find yourself first then he'll come and find YOU! I felt like it was NEVER going to happen forever but I found Ike and It's wonderful. Just have some faith and love yourself before anyone else. 

Keep Calm and Soldier on, LOVE AND ROCKETS <3

Yours,

 V. Supergirl

Things Change, that's the way it is...

March 10th 2013,

     I know it's been way too long since I've written but I did something I'm ashamed of and it's taken me a while to write about it. 
    
   Back in January right when  school started I went out with my roommate to a club, I bumped into my friend Christine's 'buddy' Luis. We started dancing and my roommate danced with his friend. It was fun but I knew in the back of my mind that I shouldn't have been dancing with him like that! After when the club closed the guys asked us what we were going to do, I was about to say go home and sleep but my roommate said why don't we go back to their hotel for 'drinks'.
   First off: when a guy EVER asks you that they want drinks back at their hotel, they really want sex or they'll pass out.
    Second: my roommate has a boyfriend so the fact that she thinks going back for drinks is just that, than she's mistaken.

SO I end up driving them back to the hotel and we drank. Than Luis wanted to get frisky with any girl, my roommate or I. I wasn't really feeling it and should have told her to leave right than. But we stayed and I almost had sex with Luis there! But I was scared and shaking. I didn't like anything that was happening, then my roommate kept pushing me to give Luis a hand job which I've never done and make out with him. Telling me that his friend and her could go in the bathroom or out in the hallway to Luis and I could do it. I kept telling her no but she didn't listen.
    After my realization that I didn't want to have sex with him I decided it was time for us to leave. We then went to my car and sat there for a few minutes, than Luis decided to come down and talk with me. But he really wanted to come home with me. I stupidly decided he could come.

We slept in my bed and when I woke up the next morning, we ended up having sex. I think because I was still half asleep I didn't protest, but at the same time I didn't want it to happen. After he left, I went back home and showered. I than freaked out because it was also unprotected and I took the Plan B pill which shoots you up with 10 birth control pills so I was a hot mess the next 2 weeks.
    I'm not pregnant thank God! But that pill makes you think you are pregnant one minute and not the next. It was a horrible experience; I then decided I wanted nothing to do with Luis at all because he kept wanting to get with me and hang out; which I couldn't handle. My relationship with my roommate and I hasn't been the same because she did contribute in a small way to what happened. We haven't talked about it either and I don't want to go out with her in case she recklessly puts us in that situation and doesn't care about other peoples feelings.
     Everyday is a struggle and I'm still mad at myself for doing that, because I could have said no at any point in the night; but I was to scared to do so.
    Also if you have a 'friend' who pushed you to do something she knows you're not comfortable with or even willing to leave you in the room so you can have sex; she's not your friend. She shouldn't throw you under the bus like that. She should respect you that you don't want to do that. My roommate also didn't realize how much being  a virgin meant to ME. How much it meant that I was writing this blog and have so much love and support from the beautiful woman that have influenced my life up to this point. She didn't understand that my friends were so supportive too and understood why I was doing this. So after I lost it I couldn't talk to her about it, I couldn't cry to her because she didn't understand how much it meant to me.
     I thankfully opened up to one of my close friends at school Taylor and I was very happy and relieved to find she went through a similar situation. She broke up with her boyfriend and in between dated this other guy and they had sex, but It didn't mean anything to her either, she also felt pressured to do it. It was a great eye opener because she went through almost the same thing and now we're best friends.  I'm not the only one who went through this experience.

   SO now I guess I'm glad I had sex with Luis because it didn't mean anything, I have no connection to him. I know the next guy I meet and start a relationship with It won't be bad because It'll be better with him and mean something more.

I also feel like I let you ladies down. I did everything I've told you  NOT TO DO! I'm ashamed of it and hope you learn from my mistake. I'm not sure why I couldn't have said no easier,  or get off me! I'm not sure what I was thinking, if it was that deep down, I wanted the attention or affection. But it's done and I have to live with it, and I don't want you do go through what I did.

   I've told only my closest friend, my mom and sister; and they've been nothing but supportive and loving which encourages me not to wallow in my pain and sorrow. Although I do some days anyway, everyday is a new day and I shouldn't be depressed or upset over things I can't control.

SO I'm going to a therapist and she's kind of helping me, but we're still trying to figure out why I did it! I hope it works out.

I know it seems like I might have my shit together and I'm really confident, and I am at times but mostly I'm not. I'm 24 and dealing with the throws of being a young woman figuring out my life. It's hard but when you have that good support system and love from friends and family  you can grow to be that beautiful person who you're destined to become.
    I promise to live more by what I preach to you and I'll become that woman I am destined to be.

Stay strong, Keep Calm and Soldier On!

<3 VSupergirl.