Single life again!?!!!??@*(&$*#&$*(@^&($..........

These are my second set of thoughts, probably from about three weeks ago! This is usually what I do, I'll write down exactly what I'm thinking, then reread in and most of the time I'll just post it because I have to get it off my chest and spill my guts! Sometimes like NOW, I have to really think about things, figure out what I'm doing and saying. I don't want to reiterate myself too much or contradict my thoughts. 

While I sit here and decided if I should paint my finger nails pink or not, I have this constant feeling of not caring. 

I have decided to try ‘online dating’ and see how it goes, I mean Hilary Duff joined Tinder why can’t I....well I didn’t join Tinder.... but I’m trying some other apps. It’s been two months since we’ve broken up and I feel the almost desperate need to have someone. I miss having a boyfriend but I also now want one who’s my best-friend also. I know exactly what I want from a boyfriend now and I’m ready to find him. I also feel like I have crappy friends and we don’t ever hang out unless I set up a time like a week in advance and all my other friends are in other states. So all of this need to talk to people besides my wonderful family is bothering me. I also remembered when I broke up with Ike I started talking to my Ex about two weeks later and we started dating a month later so I jumped into that relationship but to me it felt right. Now I have to deal with being single again and I’m fine with being alone...because I am so much but it’s annoying because I don’t have many friends either.

SO I’m on these dating App’s and it’s interesting, kinda fun, but at times a little overwhelming, I’m also waiting for mister right to just pop up and be here! I’m liking these guys pages and I’m talking to two consistently, other guys are just ‘hey what’s up’ then they don’t get back to me or random guys message me and I just don’t care. The two guys I’m talking to seem nice, honest working guys but at the same time i’m not sure if i really want to date anyone. If I'm ready to kiss some one else, do I really want to open myself to a new guy who might judge me for being too weird, or not getting my quirkiness?? My Ex understood those things about me and he accepted me for the most part, except sometimes I did feel like I was too weird. 

I feel like I think about my Ex often, maybe not all the time but just sometimes and I critique what we did wrong and honestly I feel like i need closure. I wasn’t able to tell him exactly how I felt and really discuss the root of our problems, because he didn’t want to discuss them anyway. I feel like I haven’t been able to mourn properly and I feel like it’s too late now. Thankfully I don’t go into those dark places I had been, but just little things brings back memories, or something he didn’t like about what I did. For instance sexually, he didn’t think I was up to par on somethings, and he wouldn’t please me the way I should have been. There was no playful foreplay or teasing, we did have some special moment’s during sex that I knew were different. But towards the end when we rarely had it, he would point out what I wasn’t doing it made me self conscious, so now I don’t even want to do it even more for the next guy.

I know that it wasn’t the healthiest relationship, nor one with a lot of communication, but I have also learned a lot, about me, boys and what I want. I know it’s still new and I have a long way’s to go to in being happy with who I am and be ready to open up to men.

I’m going to see how it goes with these guys, maybe I should get to know them and be friends first then date them.

------------------

Well I feel like Jude Harrison right now! I try to give it a chance, I know theres good guys out there but why don’t they find me and why I’m so sweet they take me for granted. (Jude Harrison is a character from the Canadian TV Show Instant Star, in the show she is a young woman who wins a Record deal and how she deals with the fame, along with falling in and out of love with different boys while realizing who is her real soulmate. It's a cute teenage show, but I love it and the cast was great and I LOVE Alexz Johnson who plays Jude). This is what Jude says in the show and I feel like it's exactly how I feel, “You all say the nicest things. You're so great, You're so nice, but none of you want to date me. So you want to help me, Tommy? Tell me what I'm doing wrong. Tell my why I'm so easy to give up... and then maybe I can fix it.”-- Do they think they’re to good for me so they don't do anything?  Think they can sweet talk me and I’ll give them the cookie?? Am I really that insecure that I listen to whatever sweet nothings a man texts me or whispers in my ear?? It’s annoying to feel like I’m getting back on my feet with the dating world. 

I found someone who I know from HS and he reached out and started talking to me and we talked for days, some more then others but it was getting exciting bc I felt like I would feel comfortable enough to go on a date with him and hang out, then I would with the other guys i’m meeting on these dating sites. I don’t trust anybody but I trusted this guy a little more. Well now we were suppose to meet up yesterday for lunch, then he couldn’t because he got called in to work and was really upset we couldn’t hang out. Then today we tentatively rescheduled nothing set in stone but I was looking forward to going out with him. Except he hasn’t texted me all day!? HELLO, did your fingers fall off, did you lose your phone? Did you leave it at work? I hate this dreadful feeling like it’s not going to work out. Along with the fact that he has one strike against him and I’m pissed. I know I’m going to give him a second shot but he’s got to bend over backwards to make me trust him and know he’s honest. I know he could be busy or lost his phone but I think he’d find some way to get in contact with me.  It’s just not a great way to start a dating situation. I know what kind of man I want and be able to enjoy things with him and share experiences and have a best friend. I want the boy next door mixed with the bad boy with a deep soul. Or just a nice meaningful man who I can really connect with.  

I feel like I'm back in my 20's naive and silly, waiting for a man to look my way! It doesn't help that I moved back in with my parents or that some of my friends don't talk to me and my new friends are a little young, one is 19! It's hard to go out for a drink because we'd exclude her, but we're all single now and looking for that great guy. It's really nice though because we're all going through this together and we weren't in the best relationships so it's great talk to them. 

I'm going to try and stay positive, NOT feel sorry for myself and really get my life together! I need a  better job in my career field and really save money! I need to stop looking at my phone every five seconds waiting for a text or message on these dating apps, because It's not good for me. I think me feeling sorry for myself was making me so depressed and pissed off and I can't change what happened, I can't change my Ex Boyfriend even if I wish I could, I can't expect the man of my dreams to fall from the sky! I have to live in the now, and embrace myself, my independance and my happiness.  :)

" Single doesn't mean you don't know anything about love, it means you know enough to wait for it." I looked up Single Quotes... and this caught my eye, a long with some other good ones!! <3 

xoxo Supergirl

Break Up Thoughts!

I wrote these about a month ago, and just continued to write my thoughts down as I was feeling them. I'm glad I can be so honest and open with my readers and  tell you guys everything that's going on in my life! So Enjoy! :)

Being in Limbo is a strange feeling, breaking up is hard to do and the only other guy I’ve really broken up with was someone I really didn’t care about. But now it’s different because we’ve been going out for a year and five months, I thought we could have a life together but I had to come to the terms that he really couldn’t be the man I needed. I hoped he could and that’s why I thought he was this amazing guy, who did so much for me but honestly he wasn’t. That’s been a hard recognition to understand but now i’m wondering if maybe I should have just talked to him first and really told him how I felt. I did tell him through text and when we talked but since I was crying I wasn’t able to fully. So it’s weird that now he’s questioning me and thinking I had this thought out all along and that he want’s to cut ties and forget the memories.

As the days go by, some are good and some i’m just in a funk... I’m angry, upset, depressed, and sad because he wasn’t good enough for me and I thought he was. He couldn’t love me enough or treat me like the Queen I am, which is strange because he told me when we lived together that I’m wifey material or I’ll make a good wife... so I thought that meant he appreciated me and didn’t take me for granted but as soon as I left it was like he didn’t put any effort it. Which annoys me!!! It hurts me because I WANT that, I WANT to be with a man who treats me like a queen and adores me and tells me he loves me every morning and night! It annoys me that I was making all the effort in the relationship towards the end! It annoys me seeing other happy couples because he couldn’t be the man I needed. He couldn’t step up the the plate and love me the way a woman should be loved. That’s what I think about most, is just the way he treated me and how he should have treated me and didn’t. It’s depressing to dwell on that so much but I hear it in songs, or see people, or look at romance books at work and wish I had that great guy to be with. I know I will but it just sucks because I thought it could have been with my Ex. I know I have to be patient and wait but I also just want someone to talk to preferably a guy to say I’m not crazy for dumping him and that I am worth it, even just a friend.

When I look back I think we had a lot of great times, and I felt like we lived in a very long ‘honeymoon’ period which was great, and I definitely didn’t take it for granted.But then we hit, what I felt was like a brick wall, and I couldn’t deal with a lot of the things I had brushed under the rug. As I’ve been thinking about all this and trying to figure out how to deal with it, I was writing things down, talking to my family and confidants but in a way I knew I had to break up with him. I almost wanted him to suggest it, but when I went to talk to him about it, he didn’t want to and said if I want to break up just to get it over with. It made it harder on me and the fact that he didn’t want to talk about it until a week later when it was too late, was also just as hard. 

As I’ve been thinking about our relationship and critiquing it these past three weeks, about what went wrong or what I need to work on, I realized we never did things as a couple alone. We first spent time with Dan and Kerry on the weekends, then Ruth and Mike, then Lisa and Chuck. We didn’t go downtown unless it was with one of them. That was I think a huge issue in us trying to figure each other out, and really get to know each other and communicate strongly.If Dan and Kerry went out, we’d stay home and watch movies. It inhibited us to become best friends and rely on each other for entertainment, but we rather leaned on other people to have fun or the TV. Realizing that he wasn’t my best friend was probably the first catalyst that make me think we weren’t meant to be.

I know that it will take time and the wounds are still new and fresh and I will move on. It just sucks because I want to talk to him, or write him a letter but not mail it to really get all my feelings down. I overlooked a lot of things I thought could be overlooked but they couldn’t. I can’t change him to be better or expect him to be all lovey dovey if he’s not made for that, he has to want to change himself to be better. I would tell him he was the best before bed sometimes and he’d tell me it was because I made him better, but I don’t really think so. If he wanted to be a better man he might quit smoking, or be more affectionate and loving, show me how much I mean to him and tell me!! Take me places we’ve talked about or to the museum because I wanted to, instead of always blowing it off. 

But now I have to figure out how to live my life, as a single 26 year old, living back with my family and figuring out where I want my life to go. I have to put my life in-front instead of worrying about him. As Cheryl Fernandez Versini says “I’m ready to get back to meself.” Which I need to do and I think we all do as women to take a step back a look at what makes us happy and to enjoy the people and good things in your life.

Thoughts on a Foggy Night

Hello!~~

Being in limbo is a strange feeling, breaking up is hard to do and the only other guy I’ve really broken up with was someone I really didn’t care about. But now it’s different because we’ve been going out for a year and five months, I thought we could have a life together but I had to come to the terms that he really couldn’t be the man I needed. I hoped he could and that’s why I thought he was this amazing guy, who did so much for me but honestly he wasn’t. That’s been a hard recognition to understand but now i’m wondering if maybe I should have just talked to him first and really told him how I felt. I did tell him through text and when we talked but since I was crying I wasn’t able to fully. So it’s weird that now he’s questioning me and thinking I had this thought out all along and that he want’s to cut ties and forget the memories.

As the days go by, some are good and some i’m just in a funk... I’m angry, upset, depressed, and sad because he wasn’t good enough for me and I thought he was. He couldn’t love me enough or treat me like the Queen I am, which is strange because he told me when we lived together that I’m wifey material or I’ll make a good wife... so I thought that meant he appreciated me and didn’t take me for granted but as soon as I left it was like he didn’t put any effort it. Which annoys me!!! It hurts me because I WANT that, I WANT to be with a man who treats me like a queen and adores me and tells me he loves me every morning and night! It annoys me that I was making all the effort in the relationship towards the end! It annoys me seeing other happy couples because he couldn’t be the man I needed. He couldn’t step up the the plate and love me the way a woman should be loved. That’s what I think about most, is just the way he treated me and how he should have treated me and didn’t. It’s depressing to dwell on that so much but I hear it in songs, or see people, or look at romance books at work and wish I had that great guy to be with. I know I will but it just sucks because I thought it could have been with my Ex. I know I have to be patient and wait but I also just want someone to talk to preferably a guy to say I’m not crazy for dumping him and that I am worth it, even just a friend.

When I look back I think we had a lot of great times, and I felt like we lived in a very long ‘honeymoon’ period which was great, and I definitely didn’t take it for granted.But then we hit, what I felt was like a brick wall, and I couldn’t deal with a lot of the things I had brushed under the rug. As I’ve been thinking about all this and trying to figure out how to deal with it, I was writing things down, talking to my family and confidants but in a way I knew I had to break up with him. I almost wanted him to suggest it, but when I went to talk to him about it, he didn’t want to and said if I want to break up just to get it over with. It made it harder on me and the fact that he didn’t want to talk about it until a week later when it was too late was also just as hard. 

As I’ve been thinking about our relationship and critiquing it these past three weeks, about what went wrong or what I need to work on, I realized we never did things as a couple alone. We first spent time with Dan and Kerry on the weekends, then Ruth and Mike, then Lisa and Chuck. We didn’t go downtown unless it was with one of them. That was I think a huge issue in us trying to figure each other out, and really get to know each other and communicate strongly.If Dan and Kerry went out, we’d stay home and watch movies. It inhibited us to become best friends and rely on each other for entertainment, but we rather leaned on other people to have fun or the TV. Realizing that he wasn’t my best friend was probably the first catalyst that make me think we weren’t meant to be.

I know that it will take time and the wounds are still new and fresh and I will move on. It just sucks because I want to talk to him, or write him a letter but not mail it to really get all my feelings down. I overlooked a lot of things I thought could be looked over but they couldn’t. I can’t change him to be better or expect him to be all lovey dovey if he’s not made for that, He has to want to change himself to be better. I would tell him he was the best before bed sometimes and he’d tell me it was because I made him better, but I don’t really think so. If he wanted to be a better man he might quit smoking, listen to me when I talk about our relationship and be understanding or be more affectionate and loving, show me how much I mean to him and tell me!! Take me places we’ve talked about or to the museum because I wanted to, instead of always blowing it off. 

But now I have to figure out how to live my life, as a single 26 year old, living back with my family and figuring out where I want my life to go. I have to put my life in-front instead of worrying about him. As Cheryl Cole says “I’m ready to get back to meself.” Which I need to do and I think we all do as women to take a step back a look at what makes us happy and to enjoy the people and good things in your life.

LOVE Yourself first!!

<3 V.SUPERGIRL

Doing what's good for you.. even when it hurts.

HELLO! So much has happened in the last 7 months, every time it calmed down enough for me to write, something else came up and counter acted what I was originally going to say! Let’s back track::

Since May I’ve graduated!!! I had a great summer and was excited to start my life with my boyfriend back at school, get a job and enjoy living my life. I decided that we should move in together instead of living in two separate apartments and spend all this time together anyway. It was great for the first few weeks then things changed. We moved in in September and one night I saw that he got a text from a woman named Deborah, very early in the morning. I asked him about it a few nights later and he said ‘she’s married and she’s just a woman he knows from one of his work stops’ under his breath he said that I shouldn’t worry about it. Of course I didn’t here this.. so I worried some more after he got another text from her and noticed he was more and more on his phone. I couldn’t think he would cheat on me since he was so against one of his Ex’s doing it, but I still had it in the back of my mind. I asked  him about her again and he said ‘Don’t worry about it’ So I tried not to. 

After a few weeks he started working on the weekends more at the Bar he used to work at, I was working every couple of days at a job but it wasn’t great money nor constant. In October was also our 1 year anniversary... I was so excited and had already bought him some gifts over the last few months so I didn’t know what to expect from him. So he get’s tickets to go see a hockey game one night and said that that was my anniversary gift. I didn’t think anything of it because he said I should also work on our anniversary for the few hours I was suppose to. On our Anniversary I go to work early and didn’t get the memo that my co-worker and boss decided to switch me for her. SO I worked a few hours then left. I called up my boyfriend to tell him I’m coming home and wanted to go see him play for his local hockey game. He said ‘ I wasn’t expecting you, and I was going to go out with the guys after for drinks.. but I guess.’ Well I was pissed, it sounded like he didn’t want me to come watch him play and not to spend time with him after because he had to go drink beers with his buddies. I called my mom crying because he was being a jerk and then he calls me back asking what I’m going to do, if we should carpool and he’s getting pissed off. So I drive back to our apartment and he’s waiting for me and i’m still crying, he told me he didn’t get me anything for our Anniversary because I was working, he had hockey and he bought the Hockey game tickets for it. We fought on the way to his game and I was able to collect myself, we got beers after at this cool brewery, which was the best part of the night. I’m not sure if it was the next day or the day after that but I found a card from him, apologizing and saying he’s got a gift for me in the mail, and he was more angry at himself that day and took it out on me. My gift finally came, about three weeks later and it was an iPhone, which I needed but it wasn’t really necessary. 

I think we were okay after that but soon I was getting depressed and so was he.. I wasn’t working enough and would spend the whole day at home looking for jobs or not doing that much and we weren’t really talking that much so It was frustrating. We decided that I should do what makes me happy and move back home and save money while he lives in the apt and save money. We went out for his birthday and got super wasted... and that night he said something to me that I think was really mean, but we were both black out drunk.. that I don’t remember, I just remember crying for some reason and that it hurt.

At this point we were barely having sex, and you know somethings wrong when you don’t.. but I didn’t know what it was, but since we were both depressed I just never felt like doing it anyway. In December we packed up all my stuff and my dad came down to help move it all up and I cried while we drove back home because I would miss my boyfriend. 

The first month was good, it was right around Christmas and New Years that it didn’t feel too bad and I was working the holiday rush. He sent me some small gifts, since he was tight on money which were okay... while I sent him a box of gifts.

January he came up to visit for a week which was great but I felt like something was wrong. He was texting me later in the morning and I was getting frustrated because I got up early for work. So that was annoying to me,and he just looked like he needed to tell me something. We weren’t really happy and laughing a lot, we only had sex once also. He was also still texting people but it wasn’t horrible. 

Come Valentines week, he was sick the first half of it and so he wasn’t able to go out and send me anything, but I sent him a big box of cookies, a stuffed animal, and an action figure. It wasn’t super expensive stuff but it was thoughtful, I also included a letter and card. A week later I ask if he was able to send me anything and he said that he didn’t, and he was also fired from his job back in January right before he came up to visit. I was relieved for a second because he said he felt embarrassed to tell me and that he didn’t want me to worry. Then he told me that he didn’t get me anything for Valentines... not a gift, card, letter.. nothing, because he didn’t have any money. I said a letter would be fine, it’s thoughtful and cheap, he said he has nothing to write about and is only worrying about bills. 

That was the second straw, our Anniversary being number one probably besides other small things. I was so completely hurt that he didn’t get me anything!!!! NOTHING!!! I was so tore up, I talked to my brother in law, who’s helped me with relationship stuff before. He helped me break it down: What I like about my boyfriend, What Bothers me about him and finally What I would want in my ideal boyfriend. The first two categories somethings canceled each other out, then my last one broke me. I realized that my boyfriend doesn’t do any of the things I want;

He doesn’t:

Call me because he want’s to or to tell me he’s thinking of me.

Ask to FaceTime with me

Tell me I’m beautiful

Talk with me any other way besides Text

Make any effort

Tell ME he LOVES me before I do

I cried because I realized that while I though my boyfriend had been treating me great these last few months( or our whole relationship)... being away from each other I saw that he doesn’t treat me right and I loved him more then he loves me.

I saw that we needed to talk about this and really open up to each other about these problems. When I went to go talk to him, since he wasn’t working all day long, he told me let’s not FaceTime let’s talk over text because he wasn’t feeling good. So we talked back and forth all day and he’s like ‘I don’t know what you want me to do, I talk to you all day, I didn’t mean to not get you anything but I have no money and I’m not working enough at the Bar to save money’.. blah blah blah. So after that we were okay and I thought things were going to be good, he was texting me more and telling me he loved me but something was still off. 

Two weeks ago he was going to get a new job, that started this week, but he was still stressed about money and there was nothing I could really do. He was getting snippy at me because he said he has no time to FaceTime because he’s got other things on his mind then obviously talking to his girlfriend. So I decided maybe we shouldn’t talk for two days, he’s like ‘fine if that what you want’. We didn’t talk until Sunday, I worked in the morning and waited for him to text me. He finally does saying ‘ You going to talk today or are you busy’ which I thought was rude and he sounded pissed at me for suggesting we not talk. So I decided to be nice and we talked and it was fine. I didn’t ask how he felt about that because I wanted to really talk with him about this and try to figure things out. 

The next few days were good and I felt happy until Wednesday I was asking about if he paid rent and he was telling me about it, but I was confused. He got snippy again and told me that ‘he’s tired, he worked all day, he’s got laundry and dinner to cook and doesn’t want to play 50 questions with me’. Well excuse me, I told him to enjoy that and that I was going to Yoga. The next two days we talked but It was just talking, how is your day... blah blah, and he didn’t ask me anything about how I was doing or how my day was, so I didn’t call him babe or baby, I didn’t even say I love you just because I was over it. I was so annoyed and hurt that I didn’t care. 

I suggested in a  last ditch effort to see if he can FaceTime on Saturday to talk, he’s like ‘Why FaceTime.. what do you want to talk about?’ I said our relationship and automatically he must have thought that I was going to break up with him. But I told him that we need to talk about our relationship and I have some things on my mind. Again he got snippy.. saying ‘he doesn’t have time for this and if I want to break up I should just get it over with’. I said ‘I’m going out to dinner with friends, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.’  

Saturday after he got off of work, he calls me so we can talk. I start talking about how I wan’t him to communicate with me more and not just over text and I start crying. I don’t think he really understood why I wanted to talk to him. I realized that I don’t know when he’s going to come up here if we wanted to live together, he’s got a lot of stress going on with his new job, paying rent, bills, saving money. I’m not in that equation at all and he’s clearly made it obvious to me. I said we should break up because we both aren’t there for each other and we don’t know where this is going and I don’t want to wait for him. He said ‘ If that’s what you want to do. I’m worried about bills and food, rent and saving my money that’s the best I can do.’ So I said okay let’s break up, and we said our good byes. 

I cried for a little bit, but I feel relieved, I don’t have to worry about him anymore! I was putting all my energy in him, while ignoring myself and looking for jobs and doing what makes me happy! It’s also easy being in different states and not really having to go back, unless to visit a few sparse friends.

I feel a little bad because the timing is so shitty on his part but he wasn’t there for me, he didn’t treat me with respect or how I deserve to be treated. He didn't fight to make it work, he just seemed to want me to break up with him.  It wasn’t about the money, although money is helpful in relationships and life, I wasn’t getting from him the strong bonds of communication and the emotional part of being in a long distance relationship. We never talked about when we’d see each other, besides that January visit, we never talked about having FaceTime dates, or when we’d call or that we should write letters. I didn’t realize that all of those boundaries you set are vital to having a strong relationship. We weren’t best friends and I had this Image of him in my mind of being this great guy, but he was just a regular dude he did just barley to get by and make me happy when we were together. He never rubbed my back just because, or buy me flowers. He never pleased me in the bedroom because he loved my body, never told me I was beautiful when we went out those seldom times I get dressed up, or even everyday. I did all of that to him but he didn’t reciprocate those feelings or emotions.

We did have good times together, and enjoyed some new experiences, he was my first love too. But the bad soon overwhelmed the good and being unhappy for so long does take a toll on you. I feel stronger for breaking up with him, relieved and I really look forward to meeting a man who is my best friend and loves me for all the crazy, brilliant and weird things I am. I love HGTV and watching Fixer Upper makes me see how a real, healthy relationship is between Chip and Joanna! I want that relationship and I see just how silly and goofy two people who are best friends and truly love each other are. 

I know that relationships are hard, and I made a lot of excuses to put up with my Ex-Boyfriends shit. I’m still figuring out what’s ‘Normal’ in a relationship, what I want in a relationship and what I’m willing to put up with or not. I don’t know how excited I am to dating and meeting new people but I am excited to find someone special and finding that true love. 

So don’t give up, believe in yourself and do what makes you happy!!! I was in a good spot to break up with my boyfriend and everyone around me saw that he wasn’t treating me right. it's good to have that support even when you want to believe he still loves you. I know it’s hard to walk away from someone you love and think you want to be with but there’s so many people in the world you’ll find you soul mate, best friend and true love out there!! :) <3