Single life again!?!!!??@*(&$*#&$*(@^&($..........

These are my second set of thoughts, probably from about three weeks ago! This is usually what I do, I'll write down exactly what I'm thinking, then reread in and most of the time I'll just post it because I have to get it off my chest and spill my guts! Sometimes like NOW, I have to really think about things, figure out what I'm doing and saying. I don't want to reiterate myself too much or contradict my thoughts. 

While I sit here and decided if I should paint my finger nails pink or not, I have this constant feeling of not caring. 

I have decided to try ‘online dating’ and see how it goes, I mean Hilary Duff joined Tinder why can’t I....well I didn’t join Tinder.... but I’m trying some other apps. It’s been two months since we’ve broken up and I feel the almost desperate need to have someone. I miss having a boyfriend but I also now want one who’s my best-friend also. I know exactly what I want from a boyfriend now and I’m ready to find him. I also feel like I have crappy friends and we don’t ever hang out unless I set up a time like a week in advance and all my other friends are in other states. So all of this need to talk to people besides my wonderful family is bothering me. I also remembered when I broke up with Ike I started talking to my Ex about two weeks later and we started dating a month later so I jumped into that relationship but to me it felt right. Now I have to deal with being single again and I’m fine with being alone...because I am so much but it’s annoying because I don’t have many friends either.

SO I’m on these dating App’s and it’s interesting, kinda fun, but at times a little overwhelming, I’m also waiting for mister right to just pop up and be here! I’m liking these guys pages and I’m talking to two consistently, other guys are just ‘hey what’s up’ then they don’t get back to me or random guys message me and I just don’t care. The two guys I’m talking to seem nice, honest working guys but at the same time i’m not sure if i really want to date anyone. If I'm ready to kiss some one else, do I really want to open myself to a new guy who might judge me for being too weird, or not getting my quirkiness?? My Ex understood those things about me and he accepted me for the most part, except sometimes I did feel like I was too weird. 

I feel like I think about my Ex often, maybe not all the time but just sometimes and I critique what we did wrong and honestly I feel like i need closure. I wasn’t able to tell him exactly how I felt and really discuss the root of our problems, because he didn’t want to discuss them anyway. I feel like I haven’t been able to mourn properly and I feel like it’s too late now. Thankfully I don’t go into those dark places I had been, but just little things brings back memories, or something he didn’t like about what I did. For instance sexually, he didn’t think I was up to par on somethings, and he wouldn’t please me the way I should have been. There was no playful foreplay or teasing, we did have some special moment’s during sex that I knew were different. But towards the end when we rarely had it, he would point out what I wasn’t doing it made me self conscious, so now I don’t even want to do it even more for the next guy.

I know that it wasn’t the healthiest relationship, nor one with a lot of communication, but I have also learned a lot, about me, boys and what I want. I know it’s still new and I have a long way’s to go to in being happy with who I am and be ready to open up to men.

I’m going to see how it goes with these guys, maybe I should get to know them and be friends first then date them.

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Well I feel like Jude Harrison right now! I try to give it a chance, I know theres good guys out there but why don’t they find me and why I’m so sweet they take me for granted. (Jude Harrison is a character from the Canadian TV Show Instant Star, in the show she is a young woman who wins a Record deal and how she deals with the fame, along with falling in and out of love with different boys while realizing who is her real soulmate. It's a cute teenage show, but I love it and the cast was great and I LOVE Alexz Johnson who plays Jude). This is what Jude says in the show and I feel like it's exactly how I feel, “You all say the nicest things. You're so great, You're so nice, but none of you want to date me. So you want to help me, Tommy? Tell me what I'm doing wrong. Tell my why I'm so easy to give up... and then maybe I can fix it.”-- Do they think they’re to good for me so they don't do anything?  Think they can sweet talk me and I’ll give them the cookie?? Am I really that insecure that I listen to whatever sweet nothings a man texts me or whispers in my ear?? It’s annoying to feel like I’m getting back on my feet with the dating world. 

I found someone who I know from HS and he reached out and started talking to me and we talked for days, some more then others but it was getting exciting bc I felt like I would feel comfortable enough to go on a date with him and hang out, then I would with the other guys i’m meeting on these dating sites. I don’t trust anybody but I trusted this guy a little more. Well now we were suppose to meet up yesterday for lunch, then he couldn’t because he got called in to work and was really upset we couldn’t hang out. Then today we tentatively rescheduled nothing set in stone but I was looking forward to going out with him. Except he hasn’t texted me all day!? HELLO, did your fingers fall off, did you lose your phone? Did you leave it at work? I hate this dreadful feeling like it’s not going to work out. Along with the fact that he has one strike against him and I’m pissed. I know I’m going to give him a second shot but he’s got to bend over backwards to make me trust him and know he’s honest. I know he could be busy or lost his phone but I think he’d find some way to get in contact with me.  It’s just not a great way to start a dating situation. I know what kind of man I want and be able to enjoy things with him and share experiences and have a best friend. I want the boy next door mixed with the bad boy with a deep soul. Or just a nice meaningful man who I can really connect with.  

I feel like I'm back in my 20's naive and silly, waiting for a man to look my way! It doesn't help that I moved back in with my parents or that some of my friends don't talk to me and my new friends are a little young, one is 19! It's hard to go out for a drink because we'd exclude her, but we're all single now and looking for that great guy. It's really nice though because we're all going through this together and we weren't in the best relationships so it's great talk to them. 

I'm going to try and stay positive, NOT feel sorry for myself and really get my life together! I need a  better job in my career field and really save money! I need to stop looking at my phone every five seconds waiting for a text or message on these dating apps, because It's not good for me. I think me feeling sorry for myself was making me so depressed and pissed off and I can't change what happened, I can't change my Ex Boyfriend even if I wish I could, I can't expect the man of my dreams to fall from the sky! I have to live in the now, and embrace myself, my independance and my happiness.  :)

" Single doesn't mean you don't know anything about love, it means you know enough to wait for it." I looked up Single Quotes... and this caught my eye, a long with some other good ones!! <3 

xoxo Supergirl

Break Up Thoughts!

I wrote these about a month ago, and just continued to write my thoughts down as I was feeling them. I'm glad I can be so honest and open with my readers and  tell you guys everything that's going on in my life! So Enjoy! :)

Being in Limbo is a strange feeling, breaking up is hard to do and the only other guy I’ve really broken up with was someone I really didn’t care about. But now it’s different because we’ve been going out for a year and five months, I thought we could have a life together but I had to come to the terms that he really couldn’t be the man I needed. I hoped he could and that’s why I thought he was this amazing guy, who did so much for me but honestly he wasn’t. That’s been a hard recognition to understand but now i’m wondering if maybe I should have just talked to him first and really told him how I felt. I did tell him through text and when we talked but since I was crying I wasn’t able to fully. So it’s weird that now he’s questioning me and thinking I had this thought out all along and that he want’s to cut ties and forget the memories.

As the days go by, some are good and some i’m just in a funk... I’m angry, upset, depressed, and sad because he wasn’t good enough for me and I thought he was. He couldn’t love me enough or treat me like the Queen I am, which is strange because he told me when we lived together that I’m wifey material or I’ll make a good wife... so I thought that meant he appreciated me and didn’t take me for granted but as soon as I left it was like he didn’t put any effort it. Which annoys me!!! It hurts me because I WANT that, I WANT to be with a man who treats me like a queen and adores me and tells me he loves me every morning and night! It annoys me that I was making all the effort in the relationship towards the end! It annoys me seeing other happy couples because he couldn’t be the man I needed. He couldn’t step up the the plate and love me the way a woman should be loved. That’s what I think about most, is just the way he treated me and how he should have treated me and didn’t. It’s depressing to dwell on that so much but I hear it in songs, or see people, or look at romance books at work and wish I had that great guy to be with. I know I will but it just sucks because I thought it could have been with my Ex. I know I have to be patient and wait but I also just want someone to talk to preferably a guy to say I’m not crazy for dumping him and that I am worth it, even just a friend.

When I look back I think we had a lot of great times, and I felt like we lived in a very long ‘honeymoon’ period which was great, and I definitely didn’t take it for granted.But then we hit, what I felt was like a brick wall, and I couldn’t deal with a lot of the things I had brushed under the rug. As I’ve been thinking about all this and trying to figure out how to deal with it, I was writing things down, talking to my family and confidants but in a way I knew I had to break up with him. I almost wanted him to suggest it, but when I went to talk to him about it, he didn’t want to and said if I want to break up just to get it over with. It made it harder on me and the fact that he didn’t want to talk about it until a week later when it was too late, was also just as hard. 

As I’ve been thinking about our relationship and critiquing it these past three weeks, about what went wrong or what I need to work on, I realized we never did things as a couple alone. We first spent time with Dan and Kerry on the weekends, then Ruth and Mike, then Lisa and Chuck. We didn’t go downtown unless it was with one of them. That was I think a huge issue in us trying to figure each other out, and really get to know each other and communicate strongly.If Dan and Kerry went out, we’d stay home and watch movies. It inhibited us to become best friends and rely on each other for entertainment, but we rather leaned on other people to have fun or the TV. Realizing that he wasn’t my best friend was probably the first catalyst that make me think we weren’t meant to be.

I know that it will take time and the wounds are still new and fresh and I will move on. It just sucks because I want to talk to him, or write him a letter but not mail it to really get all my feelings down. I overlooked a lot of things I thought could be overlooked but they couldn’t. I can’t change him to be better or expect him to be all lovey dovey if he’s not made for that, he has to want to change himself to be better. I would tell him he was the best before bed sometimes and he’d tell me it was because I made him better, but I don’t really think so. If he wanted to be a better man he might quit smoking, or be more affectionate and loving, show me how much I mean to him and tell me!! Take me places we’ve talked about or to the museum because I wanted to, instead of always blowing it off. 

But now I have to figure out how to live my life, as a single 26 year old, living back with my family and figuring out where I want my life to go. I have to put my life in-front instead of worrying about him. As Cheryl Fernandez Versini says “I’m ready to get back to meself.” Which I need to do and I think we all do as women to take a step back a look at what makes us happy and to enjoy the people and good things in your life.