HELLO! So much has happened in the last 7 months, every time it calmed down enough for me to write, something else came up and counter acted what I was originally going to say! Let’s back track::
Since May I’ve graduated!!! I had a great summer and was excited to start my life with my boyfriend back at school, get a job and enjoy living my life. I decided that we should move in together instead of living in two separate apartments and spend all this time together anyway. It was great for the first few weeks then things changed. We moved in in September and one night I saw that he got a text from a woman named Deborah, very early in the morning. I asked him about it a few nights later and he said ‘she’s married and she’s just a woman he knows from one of his work stops’ under his breath he said that I shouldn’t worry about it. Of course I didn’t here this.. so I worried some more after he got another text from her and noticed he was more and more on his phone. I couldn’t think he would cheat on me since he was so against one of his Ex’s doing it, but I still had it in the back of my mind. I asked him about her again and he said ‘Don’t worry about it’ So I tried not to.
After a few weeks he started working on the weekends more at the Bar he used to work at, I was working every couple of days at a job but it wasn’t great money nor constant. In October was also our 1 year anniversary... I was so excited and had already bought him some gifts over the last few months so I didn’t know what to expect from him. So he get’s tickets to go see a hockey game one night and said that that was my anniversary gift. I didn’t think anything of it because he said I should also work on our anniversary for the few hours I was suppose to. On our Anniversary I go to work early and didn’t get the memo that my co-worker and boss decided to switch me for her. SO I worked a few hours then left. I called up my boyfriend to tell him I’m coming home and wanted to go see him play for his local hockey game. He said ‘ I wasn’t expecting you, and I was going to go out with the guys after for drinks.. but I guess.’ Well I was pissed, it sounded like he didn’t want me to come watch him play and not to spend time with him after because he had to go drink beers with his buddies. I called my mom crying because he was being a jerk and then he calls me back asking what I’m going to do, if we should carpool and he’s getting pissed off. So I drive back to our apartment and he’s waiting for me and i’m still crying, he told me he didn’t get me anything for our Anniversary because I was working, he had hockey and he bought the Hockey game tickets for it. We fought on the way to his game and I was able to collect myself, we got beers after at this cool brewery, which was the best part of the night. I’m not sure if it was the next day or the day after that but I found a card from him, apologizing and saying he’s got a gift for me in the mail, and he was more angry at himself that day and took it out on me. My gift finally came, about three weeks later and it was an iPhone, which I needed but it wasn’t really necessary.
I think we were okay after that but soon I was getting depressed and so was he.. I wasn’t working enough and would spend the whole day at home looking for jobs or not doing that much and we weren’t really talking that much so It was frustrating. We decided that I should do what makes me happy and move back home and save money while he lives in the apt and save money. We went out for his birthday and got super wasted... and that night he said something to me that I think was really mean, but we were both black out drunk.. that I don’t remember, I just remember crying for some reason and that it hurt.
At this point we were barely having sex, and you know somethings wrong when you don’t.. but I didn’t know what it was, but since we were both depressed I just never felt like doing it anyway. In December we packed up all my stuff and my dad came down to help move it all up and I cried while we drove back home because I would miss my boyfriend.
The first month was good, it was right around Christmas and New Years that it didn’t feel too bad and I was working the holiday rush. He sent me some small gifts, since he was tight on money which were okay... while I sent him a box of gifts.
January he came up to visit for a week which was great but I felt like something was wrong. He was texting me later in the morning and I was getting frustrated because I got up early for work. So that was annoying to me,and he just looked like he needed to tell me something. We weren’t really happy and laughing a lot, we only had sex once also. He was also still texting people but it wasn’t horrible.
Come Valentines week, he was sick the first half of it and so he wasn’t able to go out and send me anything, but I sent him a big box of cookies, a stuffed animal, and an action figure. It wasn’t super expensive stuff but it was thoughtful, I also included a letter and card. A week later I ask if he was able to send me anything and he said that he didn’t, and he was also fired from his job back in January right before he came up to visit. I was relieved for a second because he said he felt embarrassed to tell me and that he didn’t want me to worry. Then he told me that he didn’t get me anything for Valentines... not a gift, card, letter.. nothing, because he didn’t have any money. I said a letter would be fine, it’s thoughtful and cheap, he said he has nothing to write about and is only worrying about bills.
That was the second straw, our Anniversary being number one probably besides other small things. I was so completely hurt that he didn’t get me anything!!!! NOTHING!!! I was so tore up, I talked to my brother in law, who’s helped me with relationship stuff before. He helped me break it down: What I like about my boyfriend, What Bothers me about him and finally What I would want in my ideal boyfriend. The first two categories somethings canceled each other out, then my last one broke me. I realized that my boyfriend doesn’t do any of the things I want;
He doesn’t:
Call me because he want’s to or to tell me he’s thinking of me.
Ask to FaceTime with me
Tell me I’m beautiful
Talk with me any other way besides Text
Make any effort
Tell ME he LOVES me before I do
I cried because I realized that while I though my boyfriend had been treating me great these last few months( or our whole relationship)... being away from each other I saw that he doesn’t treat me right and I loved him more then he loves me.
I saw that we needed to talk about this and really open up to each other about these problems. When I went to go talk to him, since he wasn’t working all day long, he told me let’s not FaceTime let’s talk over text because he wasn’t feeling good. So we talked back and forth all day and he’s like ‘I don’t know what you want me to do, I talk to you all day, I didn’t mean to not get you anything but I have no money and I’m not working enough at the Bar to save money’.. blah blah blah. So after that we were okay and I thought things were going to be good, he was texting me more and telling me he loved me but something was still off.
Two weeks ago he was going to get a new job, that started this week, but he was still stressed about money and there was nothing I could really do. He was getting snippy at me because he said he has no time to FaceTime because he’s got other things on his mind then obviously talking to his girlfriend. So I decided maybe we shouldn’t talk for two days, he’s like ‘fine if that what you want’. We didn’t talk until Sunday, I worked in the morning and waited for him to text me. He finally does saying ‘ You going to talk today or are you busy’ which I thought was rude and he sounded pissed at me for suggesting we not talk. So I decided to be nice and we talked and it was fine. I didn’t ask how he felt about that because I wanted to really talk with him about this and try to figure things out.
The next few days were good and I felt happy until Wednesday I was asking about if he paid rent and he was telling me about it, but I was confused. He got snippy again and told me that ‘he’s tired, he worked all day, he’s got laundry and dinner to cook and doesn’t want to play 50 questions with me’. Well excuse me, I told him to enjoy that and that I was going to Yoga. The next two days we talked but It was just talking, how is your day... blah blah, and he didn’t ask me anything about how I was doing or how my day was, so I didn’t call him babe or baby, I didn’t even say I love you just because I was over it. I was so annoyed and hurt that I didn’t care.
I suggested in a last ditch effort to see if he can FaceTime on Saturday to talk, he’s like ‘Why FaceTime.. what do you want to talk about?’ I said our relationship and automatically he must have thought that I was going to break up with him. But I told him that we need to talk about our relationship and I have some things on my mind. Again he got snippy.. saying ‘he doesn’t have time for this and if I want to break up I should just get it over with’. I said ‘I’m going out to dinner with friends, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.’
Saturday after he got off of work, he calls me so we can talk. I start talking about how I wan’t him to communicate with me more and not just over text and I start crying. I don’t think he really understood why I wanted to talk to him. I realized that I don’t know when he’s going to come up here if we wanted to live together, he’s got a lot of stress going on with his new job, paying rent, bills, saving money. I’m not in that equation at all and he’s clearly made it obvious to me. I said we should break up because we both aren’t there for each other and we don’t know where this is going and I don’t want to wait for him. He said ‘ If that’s what you want to do. I’m worried about bills and food, rent and saving my money that’s the best I can do.’ So I said okay let’s break up, and we said our good byes.
I cried for a little bit, but I feel relieved, I don’t have to worry about him anymore! I was putting all my energy in him, while ignoring myself and looking for jobs and doing what makes me happy! It’s also easy being in different states and not really having to go back, unless to visit a few sparse friends.
I feel a little bad because the timing is so shitty on his part but he wasn’t there for me, he didn’t treat me with respect or how I deserve to be treated. He didn't fight to make it work, he just seemed to want me to break up with him. It wasn’t about the money, although money is helpful in relationships and life, I wasn’t getting from him the strong bonds of communication and the emotional part of being in a long distance relationship. We never talked about when we’d see each other, besides that January visit, we never talked about having FaceTime dates, or when we’d call or that we should write letters. I didn’t realize that all of those boundaries you set are vital to having a strong relationship. We weren’t best friends and I had this Image of him in my mind of being this great guy, but he was just a regular dude he did just barley to get by and make me happy when we were together. He never rubbed my back just because, or buy me flowers. He never pleased me in the bedroom because he loved my body, never told me I was beautiful when we went out those seldom times I get dressed up, or even everyday. I did all of that to him but he didn’t reciprocate those feelings or emotions.
We did have good times together, and enjoyed some new experiences, he was my first love too. But the bad soon overwhelmed the good and being unhappy for so long does take a toll on you. I feel stronger for breaking up with him, relieved and I really look forward to meeting a man who is my best friend and loves me for all the crazy, brilliant and weird things I am. I love HGTV and watching Fixer Upper makes me see how a real, healthy relationship is between Chip and Joanna! I want that relationship and I see just how silly and goofy two people who are best friends and truly love each other are.
I know that relationships are hard, and I made a lot of excuses to put up with my Ex-Boyfriends shit. I’m still figuring out what’s ‘Normal’ in a relationship, what I want in a relationship and what I’m willing to put up with or not. I don’t know how excited I am to dating and meeting new people but I am excited to find someone special and finding that true love.
So don’t give up, believe in yourself and do what makes you happy!!! I was in a good spot to break up with my boyfriend and everyone around me saw that he wasn’t treating me right. it's good to have that support even when you want to believe he still loves you. I know it’s hard to walk away from someone you love and think you want to be with but there’s so many people in the world you’ll find you soul mate, best friend and true love out there!! :) <3
