March 10th 2013,
I know it's been way too long since I've written but I did something I'm ashamed of and it's taken me a while to write about it.
Back in January right when school started I went out with my roommate to a club, I bumped into my friend Christine's 'buddy' Luis. We started dancing and my roommate danced with his friend. It was fun but I knew in the back of my mind that I shouldn't have been dancing with him like that! After when the club closed the guys asked us what we were going to do, I was about to say go home and sleep but my roommate said why don't we go back to their hotel for 'drinks'.
First off: when a guy EVER asks you that they want drinks back at their hotel, they really want sex or they'll pass out.
Second: my roommate has a boyfriend so the fact that she thinks going back for drinks is just that, than she's mistaken.
SO I end up driving them back to the hotel and we drank. Than Luis wanted to get frisky with any girl, my roommate or I. I wasn't really feeling it and should have told her to leave right than. But we stayed and I almost had sex with Luis there! But I was scared and shaking. I didn't like anything that was happening, then my roommate kept pushing me to give Luis a hand job which I've never done and make out with him. Telling me that his friend and her could go in the bathroom or out in the hallway to Luis and I could do it. I kept telling her no but she didn't listen.
After my realization that I didn't want to have sex with him I decided it was time for us to leave. We then went to my car and sat there for a few minutes, than Luis decided to come down and talk with me. But he really wanted to come home with me. I stupidly decided he could come.
We slept in my bed and when I woke up the next morning, we ended up having sex. I think because I was still half asleep I didn't protest, but at the same time I didn't want it to happen. After he left, I went back home and showered. I than freaked out because it was also unprotected and I took the Plan B pill which shoots you up with 10 birth control pills so I was a hot mess the next 2 weeks.
I'm not pregnant thank God! But that pill makes you think you are pregnant one minute and not the next. It was a horrible experience; I then decided I wanted nothing to do with Luis at all because he kept wanting to get with me and hang out; which I couldn't handle. My relationship with my roommate and I hasn't been the same because she did contribute in a small way to what happened. We haven't talked about it either and I don't want to go out with her in case she recklessly puts us in that situation and doesn't care about other peoples feelings.
Everyday is a struggle and I'm still mad at myself for doing that, because I could have said no at any point in the night; but I was to scared to do so.
Also if you have a 'friend' who pushed you to do something she knows you're not comfortable with or even willing to leave you in the room so you can have sex; she's not your friend. She shouldn't throw you under the bus like that. She should respect you that you don't want to do that. My roommate also didn't realize how much being a virgin meant to ME. How much it meant that I was writing this blog and have so much love and support from the beautiful woman that have influenced my life up to this point. She didn't understand that my friends were so supportive too and understood why I was doing this. So after I lost it I couldn't talk to her about it, I couldn't cry to her because she didn't understand how much it meant to me.
I thankfully opened up to one of my close friends at school Taylor and I was very happy and relieved to find she went through a similar situation. She broke up with her boyfriend and in between dated this other guy and they had sex, but It didn't mean anything to her either, she also felt pressured to do it. It was a great eye opener because she went through almost the same thing and now we're best friends. I'm not the only one who went through this experience.
SO now I guess I'm glad I had sex with Luis because it didn't mean anything, I have no connection to him. I know the next guy I meet and start a relationship with It won't be bad because It'll be better with him and mean something more.
I also feel like I let you ladies down. I did everything I've told you NOT TO DO! I'm ashamed of it and hope you learn from my mistake. I'm not sure why I couldn't have said no easier, or get off me! I'm not sure what I was thinking, if it was that deep down, I wanted the attention or affection. But it's done and I have to live with it, and I don't want you do go through what I did.
I've told only my closest friend, my mom and sister; and they've been nothing but supportive and loving which encourages me not to wallow in my pain and sorrow. Although I do some days anyway, everyday is a new day and I shouldn't be depressed or upset over things I can't control.
SO I'm going to a therapist and she's kind of helping me, but we're still trying to figure out why I did it! I hope it works out.
I know it seems like I might have my shit together and I'm really confident, and I am at times but mostly I'm not. I'm 24 and dealing with the throws of being a young woman figuring out my life. It's hard but when you have that good support system and love from friends and family you can grow to be that beautiful person who you're destined to become.
I promise to live more by what I preach to you and I'll become that woman I am destined to be.
Stay strong, Keep Calm and Soldier On!
<3 VSupergirl.
