Hello!~~
Being in limbo is a strange feeling, breaking up is hard to do and the only other guy I’ve really broken up with was someone I really didn’t care about. But now it’s different because we’ve been going out for a year and five months, I thought we could have a life together but I had to come to the terms that he really couldn’t be the man I needed. I hoped he could and that’s why I thought he was this amazing guy, who did so much for me but honestly he wasn’t. That’s been a hard recognition to understand but now i’m wondering if maybe I should have just talked to him first and really told him how I felt. I did tell him through text and when we talked but since I was crying I wasn’t able to fully. So it’s weird that now he’s questioning me and thinking I had this thought out all along and that he want’s to cut ties and forget the memories.
As the days go by, some are good and some i’m just in a funk... I’m angry, upset, depressed, and sad because he wasn’t good enough for me and I thought he was. He couldn’t love me enough or treat me like the Queen I am, which is strange because he told me when we lived together that I’m wifey material or I’ll make a good wife... so I thought that meant he appreciated me and didn’t take me for granted but as soon as I left it was like he didn’t put any effort it. Which annoys me!!! It hurts me because I WANT that, I WANT to be with a man who treats me like a queen and adores me and tells me he loves me every morning and night! It annoys me that I was making all the effort in the relationship towards the end! It annoys me seeing other happy couples because he couldn’t be the man I needed. He couldn’t step up the the plate and love me the way a woman should be loved. That’s what I think about most, is just the way he treated me and how he should have treated me and didn’t. It’s depressing to dwell on that so much but I hear it in songs, or see people, or look at romance books at work and wish I had that great guy to be with. I know I will but it just sucks because I thought it could have been with my Ex. I know I have to be patient and wait but I also just want someone to talk to preferably a guy to say I’m not crazy for dumping him and that I am worth it, even just a friend.
When I look back I think we had a lot of great times, and I felt like we lived in a very long ‘honeymoon’ period which was great, and I definitely didn’t take it for granted.But then we hit, what I felt was like a brick wall, and I couldn’t deal with a lot of the things I had brushed under the rug. As I’ve been thinking about all this and trying to figure out how to deal with it, I was writing things down, talking to my family and confidants but in a way I knew I had to break up with him. I almost wanted him to suggest it, but when I went to talk to him about it, he didn’t want to and said if I want to break up just to get it over with. It made it harder on me and the fact that he didn’t want to talk about it until a week later when it was too late was also just as hard.
As I’ve been thinking about our relationship and critiquing it these past three weeks, about what went wrong or what I need to work on, I realized we never did things as a couple alone. We first spent time with Dan and Kerry on the weekends, then Ruth and Mike, then Lisa and Chuck. We didn’t go downtown unless it was with one of them. That was I think a huge issue in us trying to figure each other out, and really get to know each other and communicate strongly.If Dan and Kerry went out, we’d stay home and watch movies. It inhibited us to become best friends and rely on each other for entertainment, but we rather leaned on other people to have fun or the TV. Realizing that he wasn’t my best friend was probably the first catalyst that make me think we weren’t meant to be.
I know that it will take time and the wounds are still new and fresh and I will move on. It just sucks because I want to talk to him, or write him a letter but not mail it to really get all my feelings down. I overlooked a lot of things I thought could be looked over but they couldn’t. I can’t change him to be better or expect him to be all lovey dovey if he’s not made for that, He has to want to change himself to be better. I would tell him he was the best before bed sometimes and he’d tell me it was because I made him better, but I don’t really think so. If he wanted to be a better man he might quit smoking, listen to me when I talk about our relationship and be understanding or be more affectionate and loving, show me how much I mean to him and tell me!! Take me places we’ve talked about or to the museum because I wanted to, instead of always blowing it off.
But now I have to figure out how to live my life, as a single 26 year old, living back with my family and figuring out where I want my life to go. I have to put my life in-front instead of worrying about him. As Cheryl Cole says “I’m ready to get back to meself.” Which I need to do and I think we all do as women to take a step back a look at what makes us happy and to enjoy the people and good things in your life.
LOVE Yourself first!!
<3 V.SUPERGIRL
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